Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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