Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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