I am in a vortex of obligation.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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