its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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