im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
