we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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