Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
