I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
