Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
