I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
