I met the friendliest cop last night
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he thought i was a dude.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
