shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
