Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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