My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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