Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
