If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
