what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
