took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
