I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
