i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
