Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
