i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
