Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
