i think i recognize dicks better than faces
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
