did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
