My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i came on her dog
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
