I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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