Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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