There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
