phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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