dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
