I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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