So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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