Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
