You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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