What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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