if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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