8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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