Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
