And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
