She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.