you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dicks are not precious.
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