did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.