You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
