I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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