So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
pop tarts are not kleenex
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
