Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
