There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
