Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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