I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
