So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
