u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
