Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
