Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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