i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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