as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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