Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
