i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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