The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
