U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
