I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
