i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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