I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
