Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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