I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
