She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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